FEEL…JUST MUSINGS

FEEL…JUST MUSINGS

If I had the words to describe some events I have witnessed lately I would run out of honest adjectives, rather I would be stuck with a lot imprecise descriptions bothering on a dryness or some heaviness of styling the right words to fit the emotions in my head.

I remember speaking to Tosin a few days ago and telling her how I was feeling, I  talked to her about how I  had so much turpsy-turvyness emotionally and personally, especially in terms of goals and personal directions this year.

Someone recently said ‘that the people who often try to make others happier are often the people with the heaviest burdens’, and sometimes it is hard to see through these types of people, on the outside I look extremely fine, I act it, on most days I have an empty frustrated spirit.

I cannot blame anyone, I cannot stand and complain about it all, sometimes I just wonder how much should you care about someone, something or anything?

A pastel of emotions show up in my head, I want to be grateful for everything else, the regulars(I don’t  trivialize it), and not so regulars. I want to shout and scream for the joys in the other areas of my life, thin out the joys on an invisible skewer and use them as a counteract for the pain, like an intangible pain reliever.

I think it is a good route, except that my mind cannot sometimes buy the teasing.

For instance, my mind sees the alternative of living or something unnatural and I’m  immediately glad I don’t have the lens I badly want, I ask myself “what’s the use of having an expensive lens if “you” end up like the 21 year old who got shot by the police last Saturday”. God forbid!

In a sense, tragedy is the extreme counteract, the exception, not the norm, the general appeasement is the feeling that empathy can carry a different personal vibe; a certain kind of connection that helps draw meaning from pain.

It is not to excuse a sense of personal entitlements or the desire for legitimate expectations, but to recognize the upsets however impersonal as part of the elements that sets us up for our own joys.

Certain alternatives are worth the thought, even when I query them, should I feel and express love? Should we love at all, why can’t love be easy, like wireless connections with passkeys? So that only the two people meant for each other absolutely meet and fall in love.

Why are humans styled this way? Not like I’m questioning God, but would it not  have been easier if our hearts were never broken?

One minute you assume, that some things cannot happen to you,  I remember listening to my friend at some point this year, he had felt burnt. She suddenly said no. The relationship was over.

I turned these things over in my mind, I felt sorry for him, it didn’t make sense to me, he is a good guy, she seemed a good person too, but these decisions anchor upon happiness, one person cannot be happy in a relationship.

How much is too much?

Love is not enough, Love  is not overrated, it’s just a flimsy emotion.

But then we need love in our lives, we aren’t styled  to exist without it, we may suppress our feelings but we all feel love.

Should we try to safeguard ourselves from this forceful warm light, it would find a way to sneak in upon us.

Even those who claim they cannot be heartbroken because they have set-up precautions, like guide rules for themselves still feel love and act on it, even when they use some barter agreements in between.

For instance, “i-love-her-because-we-have-sex-everyday-so-i-trade-that-for-the-money-if-she-leaves-its-just-trading”.

People certainly feel some strand, because human communication between two people is at its extreme not without some connection.

I’m not talking about sex as love, I’m keen on two people wanting to be more than just hi-hi friends or possibly spend the rest of their lives together, even if one of the parties is keen on just avenging his/her most recent heartbreak on the other.

Then of course there are perfect liars, I’m quite just concerned only with the ideal, and how it works for most people.

How much is too much? When do we have a right to change our minds?

How much should we journey with this other person before we say time up and walk out of the stadium?

Even in cases when people are spiritual about it? How much should we give in before we walk away?

These questions answer themselves per individual, I just sure hope that somehow we can all recognize what feelings do to the other person, i hope we can all understand that emotions deserve some responsible empathy.

I think its perhaps better to walk away early than occupy space, you’ll end up wasting two people’s time. Yours and the other’s.

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What if you saw his tears?

What if you saw his tears

Drip past his skin.?

Torn skin from whips that freed his blood-gates for me.

if u saw his tears would it be justice?

Would it melt your heart?

Would it leave u on your knees?

 

What if you saw his pain?

His sorrow, the weight of the cross -yours and mine

Slung across his bruised back.

 

What if u saw his mother’s eyes laden with unspeakable sorrow?

What if the pain

You saw on John’s eyes could be measured?

And you saw his Father turn his eyes away

from the biggest event on earth?

And Joseph sitting next to an idle hammer between sobs that never still.

 

What if u held the nails for the soldiers at the foot of the cross?

And saw the inches implode his frail bones,

What if u saw peter deny him at dawn?

Or the 10 fleeing from Golgotha?

Would it matter, would it be justice?

Would it be a worthy exchange?

Would the pain impose itself on your heart?

Would u tow a different path?

Would it burn your heart?

Would the travail in his innocent voice matter?

What would change as he hung suspended mid-air next to the mocking thief?

Would his scream crush the walls of your heart to surrender?

Or the scream that rent the temple apart make you walk in?

 

What if I saw his tears?

Its tiny streaks of salty keys

Breaking loose to set me free

Will it bring me close?

What if I saw his redness

Splashed on the cross?

A cross built across his father’s carpenter shop

Will it bring my heart to justice?

Or take it further away?

 

What If I held the spear?

That pierced his tender side

Will the fountain’s burst teach my heart to love him more?

Or walk home, for it was just another thief’s death.

Will his groans

Make me think?

Or flashbacks of each landing whip

Lead my heart to the throne?

What if you saw his body lifted

Down

And soldiers acknowledge he was truly the father’s son?

While a rented tomb he’ll lay for the next three

Will it be a perfect swoop?

Or just another short lived drama?

Will their watch at gates of the tomb

Help me pause to think it might be true he bled and died just for me?

Or will I wait to see if  he’ll rise?

 

Just what if

All of it was seen by you?

Will you make your choice to be with him forever?

Till heaven’s blast will lift you home?